Many of us, including myself, haven’t been on campus for most of the past school year. As the new academic year approaches, it’s understandable that many Stanford students have questions and concerns about campus life. As someone who has lived on campus for a total of ten weeks and two days over the summer, I know pretty much everything there is to know about this university. I figured I might help some new freshman plebeians and my 24 year old classmates by passing on my knowledge to them on how they can get the most out of their in-person experience at Stanford.
For lunch, Stern’s dinner is better than Wilbur’s dinner.
You can always count on Stern to have something for everyone, be it pizza, burgers, tofu or pasta. It also has better soft serve ice cream than Wilbur, with optional toppings and sugar cones right next to the machine, which is usually only broken for weeks at a time! Most importantly, however, it offers delicious, mouth-watering, and savory burritos that give you a purpose to live for. The combined flavors of cilantro rice, seasoned meat and fajita vegetables create a sensory experience unmatched by any other dish. The only downside is that your stomach may or may not wreak havoc, but I assure you it’s worth it.
For dinner, the Wilbur dinner is better than the Stern dinner.
Stock up on toilet paper.
At least in building A EVGR, reception only gives two rolls of toilet paper per request. TWO ROLLS? This rationing is not an optimal amount of bathroom product, especially considering the aforementioned Stern burrito bowls. In addition, the toilet paper provided is single-ply. Indulge yourself and stock up on Charmin Ultra Soft Four-ply instead of relying on lodging services.
Use a skateboard instead of a bicycle.
Skateboards (especially longboards) are the top form of transportation on campus. Assuming you spend a minute locking and unlocking your bike each day – which you do every day of the week – you can save over an hour by using a table to get spots each quarter. Sure, there’s five times the chance of having a concussion and 10 times the chance of breaking a bone, but that’s part of the fun!
Climb onto a roof.
While there is a non-zero chance that you will fall and be seriously injured, being on an elevated surface is really fun and good for your sanity. There are so many buildings in Stanford, and therefore so many rooftops to climb. If there is a will, there is a way.
Save everything in your notes app.
There’s a lot more going on on campus than it would virtually. It’s hard to remember what’s going on each week because so many social events, activities, and other things are happening at the same time. Whether it’s jumping at the fountain with your group of friends or watching your next door neighbor get emotionally attached to their best friend’s friend, to remember everything that is going on, there is useful to keep track while writing it down. Your notes can also be used as blackmail when your friends are getting super rich!
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictional. Not all of the attributions in this article are authentic, and this story should be read only in the context of pure entertainment.